All I Want Is Love (Part X)

Posted: February 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

Right or Wrong? But definitely Happy!


Well it’s been a while that I have actually picked up my laptop to write something, my hands and thoughts might be a little rusted by not writing for a while. Still I would love to give it a shot again.

Like you must have read in my previous write ups, finally Suraj called me and apologized and asked for my friendship back. That was one thing that made my heart beat back to fuller life again. I had a person who loved me unconditionally by my side and I had my best friend back everything that a young college going boy could ask for.

Suraj’s re-entry in my life changed a lot of things, things that were related to my love life, my other friends, my career, my personal life, my family and something else.

After his text that night, I called him up next morning and we started finding words and things to say to each other, the awkwardness did take a couple of minutes to go but once it was gone me and him were all over what we did and whatever happened. We talked about all that we skipped on each other’s lives in past few years and then eventually the talks came all around Anaya.

He explained to me how he felt about everything that happened and then when he heard out my side of the story he was not only surprised but felt guilty as he realized that not only Anaya was in love with me but somehow I was also madly in love with he and his stupid actions in the past had complicated the whole thing between me and Anaya. Where me and Anaya had a very strong chance of staying as just friends with not complications, his short fling with her had put both me and her in a premature relationship.

What I and Anaya shared was alike a 6 month old pre-mature baby, which did have to be born on a right time but then it was forced to happen and because of that it was still not fully developed and mature to handle the stress of life hence needed extra care.

But nevertheless all was cleared and the bond was re-made and stronger than before.

The moment I told this to Anaya, as I recall the exact phrase I said to her on phone “I got my half smile back”, she was so happy and so emotional that she ended up saying “now both of you will forget me!” the first reaction was me laughing but the later thought was a little serious for me.

Suraj’s re-entry in my life was because of Anaya. She made it happen.

Anaya was blessed with a talent of compassion, she is so kind and gentle that she can never force her will on someone but somehow with her love and compassion she motivates a person to do the right thing, to see things in a more moralistic way. So that was my theory that had it not because of Anaya I wouldn’t have got Suraj back at any cost. And this theory made me feel so little and so guilty that she had done so much for me and how will I be ever able to re-pay her back. And also what was going on between me and her.

Anyways mind over that matter, the day of new semester beginning was nearing, my mother had somehow seen me becoming a wreck because of what Suraj’s earlier thing(y) had done to me so I was super sure that she would never approve of this re-union. As so she did, not only her but my blessed father also didn’t approve it and me being a son who failed to see their mature and righteous thinking over my selfish and momentary happiness did all I could with emotional blackmail and to convince them to forgive him. Eventually with loads of pleas and begging they did happen to submit to my wishes.

The gates of my house opened for Suraj.

Since Suraj was not a resident of my city and had to stay in college hostel, the day he came back from home was one day prior to the opening of campus, so there was no one in hostel. And because of some reasons he didn’t want to stay in hostel, so I just went to pick him up and got him home so he could spend a night at my house. Though there were some cold feelings from my parent’s side towards Suraj, I tried hard to warm them up and the way Suraj asked for forgiveness from my mother had a magic effect and my mother forgave him. We all went out for dinner at some nice restaurant later. Everything went of pretty well and then later on we came home. That night I and Suraj shared one bed for the first time in life, it was god know what sort of comfortably uncomfortable moment between us and to brush it away we started talking about me and Anaya, and the time passed in a jiffy. The night grew old and we dozed off.

I remember exactly that I had placed a pillow in-between us before dozing off but that pillow was not there when I just woke up half sleep because of a nightmare. I didn’t ignore it though but just didn’t let the thought over power me and went off to sleep again. Our hands touched each other while we were (presumably) asleep and no one us realized how fast that little touch became a hug. And we slept cozy in that brotherly embrace through the night.

Next day, we woke up and dressed up, I styled Suraj’s hair as he was fond of the way I would play with my fingers and style my hair in a very unique manner. Then, we went downstairs and had breakfast and off to college on my bike. By the time we reached college after 15 mints of ride, we devised a plan to shock the whole class by flaunting our reunion.

The moment we entered the class together with our arms around each other’s shoulders laughing and joking, eyes popped out of some sockets, jaws dropped down so hard that we could hear the gasps of air rushing from the lungs of people. The ugly strong stare of some people followed us till we reached the seats. Even the professor who was taking attendance took a pause to digest what happened.

The so called impossible re-union of two parts of one soul which blasted of so explosively fight that the ugly, blooded, painful shreds of that soul of friendship were scattered all over the campus in one form or another was now repaired and the impossible had been not only made possible but achieved. The two halves of one soul became one again.

But then again was is right?

All I Want Is Love (Part IX)

Posted: October 3, 2012 in Uncategorized


Am I supposed to me happy about it?

Pain is one funny thing, the more you try to hide it the more it gets revealed and the moment you forget or get over the later cause of it, it will somehow find a new way to comeback.

The same thing happened with me not in any different way but yes in a little complicated way than before. Happiness was there no doubt as I saved the virtue of a girl who loved me to the best possible way any human could ever do but that anguish and feeling self- disgust always remained to remind me of the fact that I am no good person.
Days passed away in normal way, then within a month came college cultural fest, then exams. It’s not what happened or more appropriately what did not happen was forgotten but we tried to keep that topic at bay.
Hang outs with friends increased as new additions were made to our friend circle. Those personal moments turned into more of a group moments. Then came the month of December 2009 just a few days before the final exams of my Fifth semester when I got a little pissed on some petty issue (a total over reaction) and went straight to a junior’s room in hostel and had 5 neat bottom’s up of vodka (absolute if my memory is still sharp). Though it didn’t hit me by the time I was shoving it in my throat but soon when I went to college café to meet Anaya, it did started to show the magic.
I could feel that something is going to burst with in me and I didn’t have any intentions of making it public so I called a long lost friend and started the What an Idea Sirji!!! Idea of talking and walking… the walk lead me to sports complex of my college and my guardian angel followed me there. Though she knew I was drunk and I was crying all the way and that I was so much out of control that I could have insulted her in public yet she had balls (not literally) to follow me.
I lay there in the field of sports complex like a dead body; it was the first time I had consumed alcohol and that too in a little heavy amount. The stones on the ground didn’t hurt me, bites the ants crawling on my legs didn’t inflict any pain, the shining sun didn’t warm me all I knew for that moment was that everything was lighter, that tingling sensation at the end of my fingertips, head which was spinning in nearly every direction without flinching even once, the eyes which were constantly flooded with some tears of memories and a hand which was trying harder than ever to wipe of my tears.
Suddenly everything went blank. No feeling, no sensation it appeared as if my whole body was cut off from all the senses, I couldn’t hear anything my vision was blurred and I wasn’t able to find my voice I lay there numb and lifelessly.
Then it all started, a tsunami of memories broke all the dams where I had blocked those moments with a thought of never remembering them ever again.
Me and Suraj… two best friends of college…95% similar in everything starting from choice of clothes to hair does to food to movies…everything. The day of our fresher party where I won the title of Mr. fresher and he won the title of best dressed, the first college fest that we organized together, the first girl whom we both proposed, those lunches, class bunks, esp. those bikini underwear’s he gave me for my 19th birthday. Everything came back in a moment and I remembered how everyone would say that I and Suraj looked just like two real brothers.
Don’t know how long was I stuck in that flashback and how I came back. From what Anaya told me later all I said was “I want my Suraj back, I want my brother back”. And then off went I crying and wailing like as if I came to mourn someone’s death. She didn’t know how to console me or get me out of there. On my begging requests she called Suraj.
She told him what my condition was and how much I needed him. And he just replied “I don’t care. Just ask him to fuck off”.
Later in few hours off went the effect of alcohol and I was sober enough to ride back home. We left the grounds and went to parking without speaking much. I rode back home and Anaya went to hers. We didn’t talk about it later also.
I then got chicken pox and exams came and since somehow my seat was right next to Suraj’s so I bunked all my final semester exams.
Then came new year and slowly n slowly life came back to normal.
But one thing did change.
The bond that I and Anaya shared, it was stronger and more pure. She had finally seen a part of me which no one could have ever seen, a part which was long dead, a part which was filled with the memories of past scarred with wounds inflicted by my first sexual encounter, Mani and so many others and yes Suraj also. She understood the silence that was there between the two of us. The space that lay between our hearts was now filled with compassion and respect.
We now were two steps more close to each other.

Finally I felt that I found a companion for my life.









9’ Dec’ 2010, 9:45 pm, when I was on my way back from Chandigarh, I received few messages hi, hello, whose there… my cell battery was low so I switched it of so that I may preserve it as I needed to call my mom when I landed in my city. I got off the bus and was walking towards my home from bus stop, I switched on my cellphone and again there was a message “is it (my name)’s number?” I replied “yes it is, may I know who’s there?” then came a reply which stopped my steps and froze my world for more than a moment, “it’s Suraj here, I wanted to say sorry about what I did with you, please forgive me and give me my best friend back”.

All I Want Is Love (VIII)

Posted: April 7, 2012 in Uncategorized

Resurrected Agony

Some people fake a smile, some fake tears, some fake few moments but I guess no one ever faked an entire relationship and that too in which true love was there but in a form which no one can ever understand.

Each and every moment I spent with Tanu, each and every word that I spoke to her, each and every gesture I showed her miniature or gigantic, gave me a sense of self destructive pain and agony not that I cheated on her but for I knew that what I spoke and expressed meant something different to her. For her it was Love and for me it was friendship.

She was living in a relationship of true love and I on the other hand was living in a bond of friendship. It wasn’t that I was lying but each and every word I ever said was spoken by the friend of hers inside me not a lover, so it wouldn’t be wrong if anyone accuses me of faking a relationship.

We started bunking classes more often, sometimes going on a drive, sometimes a luncheon, sometimes a movie, but the funny part was that we never went alone we were always accompanied by our friends and that was done intentionally by me for I knew that the alone time will result into intimacy and I was giving an herculean effort to avoid it. Till this present date I and Anaya never went off on a proper date. Those who would accompany us would be surprised at the comfort level I and her shared and would complement us on that. I still remember that movie which me and Anaya saw along with Garrie and Neetie, hangover and it was such a mess, pop corns flying all over and cokes coming out of people’s noses and we rolling on our chairs laughing and what not still miss those days.

Whenever Anaya would ask to spend some private time outside college I would just swish it off by an idea of making it a group out and she innocently would agree to it. I know now, that it wasn’t that she didn’t understand why I did that and knew that I was trying to prove that our relationship won’t just end up one bed as predicted by Suraj. So she supported me.

My friends would complement me that I have the most adorable and charming girl of the entire college and some would just mock that we were a total black and white couple as she was too fair and I was too dusky. Once there was an online poll organized by college kids “who is the perfect couple of college?” and it was a surprise that we won.

Time passed sometimes slowly but sometimes with a tremendous speed. Anaya was living a beautiful relationship and I on the other hand was succumbing myself to dungeons of grief and anguish, she would ask me what was wrong with me, if I had some problem or something was upsetting me and all I would say I that I had a fight with my mother. How could I just tell her that girl you have done the biggest mistake of your life and you are living in the world of lies and fibs that I have created and all you think is going between us is nothing but a mere illusion that I have created and I am nothing but a cheat.

Whenever I would see her eyes I would send a thousand curses to my soul and would wish if Hades would send his hounds to rip me into shreds and then roast me in the flames of underworld. Whenever I thought of telling her the truth a picture of a girl in a state of living dead would stand in front of me and would eradicate all the courage that I would gather.

Then one day an uncalled calamity came upon me. A request or as I should rather rephrase it into a better term, an expectation to take the relationship nearly five months of age to a next level, a level which would prove Suraj wrong and strengthen the bond between us not only by completing us physically but would also amalgamate our souls. Was that uncalled for or called for I don’t know but something had to be done to avoid it was the only aim at that moment.

Both of us tried to tackle it somehow for days and as a result of those mature and strong discussions we had, we just ended up fixing a date when we would do it.

Saying that we were nervous and scared would be an understatement, it was petrifying and the thought of doing it to her gave me an excruciating pain.

We left college after our second lectures and came home in her car; the drive was not long just six kilometers but every centimeter I prayed please may car break down or something happen that we don’t reach home. And then in next 10 minutes we were standing at the main gate of my house. I opened the gates and then the inner door and there we were standing without knowing what to do?  Not that I didn’t knew what to do or how to start but it was just that I knew it shouldn’t be done, so I finally found my words to ask her for some time but somehow my lips were asking her to go upstairs to my room and get comfortable and I will join her in a second as I need to use the loo.

She went upstairs quietly and for a brief moment the memory of Mani and me rushing to my room kissing each other flashed in my mind and I went to my parent’s bedroom and barged into the loo and washed my face and brushed my teeth. Then I went to my room all sweating and shivering and I saw her sitting on the side of my bed and got up when she saw me. That moment lingered on for more than a moment and I could visibly see her blushing when she was looking at me and I just lost it.

And the next moment we were kissing and hugging each other. The slow and slender kisses started turning into maniac and passionate deep throating and tongue twirling and nibbling of lips and then it was as if an animal inside me was unleashed and I just pounced on her with a great force that I am sure she hit the bed so hard that it must have ached her badly and then kissing turned into grappling of bodies and fierce body love, I could feel her softness and she could feel my hardness. Those slender pecks on the hollow base of her neck and my tongue tracing her shoulder blade made her shiver and wither like as if she was touched by some electric current. And then those veils of clothes were taken off but to maintain the curtain of decency a sheet of cloth covered us.

Where ever her bare body touched mine made me lose all the control and if I tried to regain it then that hungry animal took over again. She caressed my body with such a gentleness that it felt as if some silent and cold ocean waves were touching me, that ecstasy of physical pleasure was so high that I went into a mental numbness unable to decide anything. Lips locked and hands holding each other in a way not anyone can do were so passionate.

The bare body of a maiden is the most beautiful landscape and so maddening that one can get lost in admiration forever, it is like the whole geography of earth is in carved in that body. Ranging from unexplainably beautiful mountains to the deep valleys where one can drown with passion, curves and twists like any river and plateaus so defined that one gets mesmerized in the beauty of it. And to amplify the madness the layer of skin soft like the best of south Indian kanchipuram silk, sweet as the fresh honey and warm as the warmest of ultrafine merino wools. All that sneaks and peeks of those beautiful landscapes made me go even deeper in its beauty. Slowly I slid down and I lost myself into the deep jungles making her melt down like a hot wax.

And then finally when it was the moment when the two bodies should join and entangle themselves in a perfect combination and get united, just like a key and a lock to open the doors of a new world came I was fully prepared for it and so was she (at least I think so). There was a rush of testosterone in my whole body and the desire to perform the act of coitus was so hard that I couldn’t fight it back even if I fought it; it still sprang up with ten times more strength. Being educated and careful individual I knew all the safety and precautions so I wore the sheath of latex and I adjusted myself on top of her, those silk soft legs locked me from behind and the time came when the key had to enter the lock and open the doors of unknown world to both of us. And when it was the point when the key was about to touch the lock may be just a distance of a millimeter was left I looked in her eyes.

That one look in those wide deep black eyes pushed me so hard that I got lost into the trail of curses projected on to my soul by some unknown power and I feel an excruciating and maddening pain deep in my heart and I blacked out and that whole hormonal rush and physical urge was burned in those blazes of guilt and self-cursing emotions.

All I remember is that I asked Tanu to get out of the bed. And I just without thinking for a moment left the bed and rushed to my adjoining washroom and locked myself.

When I looked at my face in the mirror I couldn’t recognize the person who looked back at me. I didn’t know who he was. I found a towel and I wrapped it around me and came back into the room. It was vacant, she had dressed and put my clothes on the bed and went downstairs so I could dress myself.

In few minutes we were on our way back to college. And awkward silence swept between us. But the screams of that silence were deafening and were yelling at me that I am a culprit and I deserve to burn in hell for a thousand lives, accusing me misusing the innocence of a girl.

But even then someone inside me was glad and happy and told me that I stopped at a right moment and saved the virtue of a girl. And that feeling nearly killed the entire pain and anguish but then when I looked her again and when she said “don’t worry I understand” all that pain was resurrected with and magnitude google times more scorching pushing me into castles of self hatred.

(To be Continued…..)

All I Want Is Love (VII)

Posted: March 31, 2012 in Uncategorized

“Kiss of Guilt”

Whenever we look back at our past and certain moments we have lived, we often get lost in the trail of thoughts and end up telling ourselves how stupid we were for taking such decisions and doing those things, I believe we think that, may be because we have grown mature or maybe we have somehow endured deeper things than those in our life now. But when I think about those moments when I was hurt or in pain or when I was totally down in my life, I am always reminded of how close to my own soul I felt at that moment. May be it’s the pain within our hearts that brings us closer to our own self, so I feel happy about it.

That night when I said yes to Anaya it was one such nights when I felt so close to my heart that I realized that now begins a new journey, a new voyage to those unknown lands which were bound to bring me closer to me because I knew that entire time spent in that relationship would be a period of tormenting my own soul. Saying all this I come to a question, if I knew that it would be painful and self-hurting then “WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD DID I SAY YES!!?”

And the only answer that comes to my mind is that because I loved her, in my own way maybe it was the love of friends, or may be something else but it was love and that is the only reason why I said yes to her.

The relationship with Anaya started on 10 June 2009 and it never ended even till today after official breakup or to put it in proper words I should rather say that the violin stopped playing its music but those strings still remain attached.

It was a night where one girl thought that she found the love of her life and a boy committed the worst sin of his life, and both of them started to live with their own burdens of life attached with each other by a string called relationship.

That was one night in which a lot of things happened altogether without any prior notice to either of us, one a girl fell into a relationship with a wrong person, second a boy was exiled to a forest of guilt of doing something wrong with a proper knowledge that what he is doing is wrong and third a new relationship, a love story started which nobody ever heard off, a story in which the boy would be loathed and disgusted by every soul who comes to know about the facts of that relationship.

The night passed away in come non-casually casual talks and then when the call was about to be ended the moment of sentimental and emotional rush for one and a moment of white lie came for another. A moment in which one had to lie to another with a great convincing articulation that the other couldn’t judge the pain and anguish in his voice. Anaya for the first time said those three words to me with all the purity in her heart and soul and I reciprocated her with same words but in the voice of a very convincing politician asking for a vote from a dumb ass public good enough to fool them.

It was already 6 o’clock in the morning so the point of going to sleep was lost and since I had an exam that day so I excused myself to prepare for it within those 2 hours. The main concern of that day was not my final exam neither it was the incident (accident) of last night but was the issue of facing Suraj in examination hall. The guilt of being responsible for breaking of a relationship was more searing than the pain one has to endure when his cold flesh is pierced by a red hot iron-poke.

Sitting on the second bench looking at the seat adjacent to me I was waiting for the broken heart to enter the room so I could begin with my self-torturing session of hidden seek peeks at him. Dressed in a crushed white yellow shirt (that shirt sucked like hell) and a chemically faded jeans and caterpillar shoes he entered the examination hall, gave me the dirtiest look possible and took his seat on the bench as far as he could. There was something strange in him something was missing and I was not able to make it out at first so I gave him another look and I was shocked to death at what I saw he had gone bald and he smelled of alcohol. All I knew for the next one and half an hour that day was that I was in a black out and the moment half time bell rang I handed over my sheet to the examiner and left the room without looking at anyone or anything but the floor where I was walking.

Was it out of hurt and rage that he did it? Because as far as I knew him he loved his hair and fancied doing new hairstyles nearly on daily basis, I called up a guy who was his room-mate and whom I used to teach mathematics on occasional basis. So he told me that since Suraj was his big time follower and as he got bald so Suraj followed him.

Beep-beep-beep-beep (adult content) beep-beep-beep-beep was my reaction because I had tortured myself to hell thinking that it was because of me just to find out that it was his new experiment with his head and that crushed shirt was because he didn’t have time to wash his clothes so had to wear a dirty shirt and that lines on his face was because he was partying with his friends and didn’t take bath in the morning. All I could think off was how can a person be doing all that when he was just dumped. I didn’t feel like talking about this with Anaya.

Later in the evening Anaya called up and we started talking about how my exam was and how she spent her day at her home quarreling with her mother. And then she told me that Suraj called her few hours ago and was very-very upset and is a total mess but still he tried to understand when she explained to him everything. And asked me if she could meet him once and all I knew was that may be if she meets him may be something good will happen so I encouraged her to definitely go and meet him.

All that Suraj’s friend told me became a lie in my eyes. And I retired myself to the point of me cursing myself.

They met, she saw him, he saw her, she cried, he cried, they tried to talk but couldn’t, he held her hand, she hugged him and then she kissed him. And then he asked her to call me and tell me that she loves me so that he may once feel that Anaya’s not all alone.

In a few days as me and Anaya kept on talking with each other I started feeling in a different way for her, maybe I was falling for her in a way that relationship is supposed to be and may be that unspeakable part of me was slowly dying and leaving me all I knew was that I was letting go of myself in love with her. I finally started developing feelings for her. When I talked with her I felt more man than any other time in whole of my day, I felt complete. We went out for a movie Harry Potter and Half Blood Prince though both of us had seen it once but with different companies but still we went for it and when we entered the cinema hall we saw that we had it all for ourselves I had requested for the center seats (H13-H14) for us because I loved sitting in center, when she saw the empty hall I bluffed and said I booked it all for us and she just smiled and glowed like a firefly in dark.

We took our seats and the movie began. Me and her all alone in entire hall sitting just a few centimeters away, I could easily feel her breath right next to me, her slow moments while she adjusted herself on the seat and when it suddenly slid her hand under my arm and leaned over my shoulder, I was petrified. I didn’t know what I should do. Scared to hell it was beeping awkward.

I looked into her eyes and I could see that those eyes were expectant. Harry Potter was about to kiss Ginny Weasley but Belatrix Lestrange interrupted them with here sudden attack but no one interrupted me and Tanu. And we had our first kiss on 21’ June’ 2009.

It was slow slender , I could feel the adrenaline and testosterone rushing in me, she was shivering a little may be because the air conditioning was to strong or may be because it was her first kiss I could tell that because of that totally dumb and amateur but a really sweet poking and nibbling of teeth. So I thought of taking control kissed her nicely and softly. That taste of strawberry mixed with flavor of pop-corns and soda was making me insane but I knew I had to control it.

And we had our first and the most beautiful kiss.

Rest of the movie went off in small pecks and kisses and warmly held arms and hugs.

Then it was time to get home. So she dropped me near my house and we gave each other a low profile hug and said good byes. When I entered my house I received a text “I had bells ringing all the time in my belly. I love you.”  And I replied “Me too :*.”.

Mother was curious that why was I blushing so just to avoid any interrogations I went to washroom to lower my testosterone levels (not by jerking off you pervert) by a long nice cold water shower.

The thought of that kiss made me take a shower all over again and then all of sudden it happened, without any hint or prior notice I blacked out, my brain went totally blank and only one thought crossed my mind “NO THIS IS WRONG, I HAVE TO STOP IT, IT CAN’T HAPPEN EVER AGAIN, NOT HER!!!”

And then when I regained my senses I decided to call her and break up with her before anything could go worse, so I picked up my cell and I saw 5 missed calls from her. I called her back and she was crying, I was bewildered and I asked her what happened so she told me that Suraj called her and he abused her really badly and said that “Your relationship will end with your boyfriend either on your bed or his, because he’s just looking for sex.” She was crying so badly that breaking up with her at that point would have rendered her so shattered that either she would end up committing suicide or would start going to blackouts like me. So all I said was “don’t worry it won’t, m there with you.”

And I was left with a question “WHY???”.

All I Want Is Love (VI)

Posted: March 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

Unknown but Love, Love but Pain

Before you start reading whatsoever I have written below I just want you to try this.

Close your eyes for a moment and think of a mother who has just given birth to a still born child, a father who has just lost his son, a friend who had just lost his best friend, a lover who lost the love of his life just a moment before he could tell her. I am sure that these thought will bring a picture of an incident from your own life in front of your eyes and you will experience a ting of pain in your heart. But that pain gets worse when you know that you have called it for.

Pain of losing Anaya to anyone was not as severe as any of the pains I have mentioned above neither the loss of her from my life was that meaningful to me, but whatever it was it was intense and searing. I didn’t love her, she was not the love of my life, and she was just any other person who came into my life gave me some happy moments and left me when the happiness was enough to bring the tears of devastation in my eyes. And now when I think of it today after nearly 3 years of the incident then I find a reason.

It was not a love of lovers but a love of friends which is often questioned by this world in a sentence “HOW CAN A BOY AND A GIRL BE JUST FRIENDS?” (At least from my side).

After leaving Anaya sitting in the corridor waiting for Suraj to meet her I just ran to the college gurudwara and on the way I crossed Suraj walking towards the love of his life. The moment when we crossed each other was just not more than 2 seconds but it took a herculean effort on my part to hold myself and not break down there and then. In gurudwara all I couldn’t pray, I couldn’t ask any questions which I normally do when I go to gurudwara but get down on my knees and look at the glorious Guru Granth Sahib sitting on his throne with my tearful eyes and it might sound funny to you but somehow I lost the purpose of me going there in the admiration of beauty of the Guru Sahib’s beauty. Tears were rolling down meaninglessly but the pain and the burning fire in my soul was getting numb and along with the extinguishing heat of the inner flames a wave of coldness swept my entire body-mind-heart and soul and I knew at that very instant that I had just killed the last hope of finding love in anybody but gave birth to a new hope of becoming true to my own self.

I still can’t figure out how loss of a friend gave me a gift of desire of finding my own self or as they say finding my purpose.

I thanked baba ji and left the temple with tearless and hard eyes. Went to college parking located my scooter (Vespa) which was not at all difficult to find, kick started it and rode it all the way back home. Mother was home and one look at me explained everything to her but instead of asking me anything or me saying anything I entered my room and drowned in shower. Sitting under the shower of cold water in summer heat of May is like bliss, helps to clear of all the tension and relax mind. But this time it failed. Those tears were dried and sobs were forgotten but something else was gradually increasing inside and that was the anguish, a fire to know the purpose.

The love for Tanu was still there but not in form of love, but in form of a pain. A new link was attached to the chain of beads of pain in my life. But this bead was bigger and more pure that any other which joined the league ever.

One day passed. No message from her, no call from my side. For the first time my cell was not the issue of criticism on the dinner table. College had exams going on and I had my instrumentation engineering exam. I was not at all prepared for it so I had to request a girl of my class to brief me up and she did extremely well, I was quite prepared with 75% of the entire syllabus in about 3 hours.

I went to baba ji to seek his blessings as always, located my roll number in the examination hall, head buried in counting number of pebbles in my way to hall I located my seat only to make my heart skip more than a beat and ground evaporate and my legs go numb. Suraj was sitting at the same bench just 3 feet away from my seat. The only thought that came to my mind was FUCK exam just get back home. But then another thought over powered may be he’ll ask any answer from me in those 3 hours and we might become friends. So I went up to the bench and when he saw me all I could see was a tint of victory in his eyes looking at me in disgust. And my heart gave away.

I don’t know if it was just 3 hours of exam or a lifetime. I sat very still not trying to look at him or a move even a muscle. Then I just noticed he didn’t have an eraser so I put mine in the center of the desk and all I saw in a moment was his shoe crushing it. I got my answer.

My exam finished in an hour and half exactly and I left for home.

Checked my cell, there was a message good luck from a number I thought I will never dial again. It was Anaya.  Normally, I would have typed a full lengthy message explaining how everything went in exam including how many times I peed or drank water but today I typed and deleted and re typed and re deleted the message ending up just replying thanks.

And unintentionally that one reply became a chat. And a chat ended up in her calling me and it was morning 4:00am when both of our balances were expired that the call was finally and unwillingly disconnected.

Slowly and slowly me and Anaya started talking with each other and she would tell me about her and Suraj, I could clearly make out form her voice and words that she was not happy but I kept on telling myself that it’s just a new thing for her hence it will take time for her to get into it.

She would tell me what they talked, what he asked her? What she replied? Where they met in college? Whatsoever did they share? How he held her hand sitting in corridor? How she took him on a long drive? (On me asking her to take him out so they may get a bit alone private time), how she felt when he touched her?

She told me everything. And I would listen to it. The routine was she would talk with Suraj from 9:00pm to 11:00pm and would call me at 11:30pm and we would talk till either it was time to get dressed for college or our balances expired.

Once we played a game of singing songs, then once we planned her and Suraj’s wedding, once she told me about how everyone was asking her questions about her relationship.

I would listen to all of it. Equally participating in the discussion but to be honest I was as cold as a corpse. Laughed for the sake of laughing, whined for the sake of showing that I am involved in the discussion. But in reality I was lost somewhere deep in a graveyard were there was no one but just mere an aura of death. Sometimes I would end up going in blackouts, for the first time when it happened I was in my lecture and didn’t realize when the entire 2 hour practical class was over, once I was driving back home and ended up bypassing my house by about 7 kilometers. Somehow those blackouts became a life of me. I lived in them and they lived in me.

Whole night passed away gazing at stars (I sleep on my rooftop in summers, I hate indoors) listening to her and answering her without thinking. Sometimes when I would see a shooting star I would close my eyes and wish for something unknown. Sometimes have stranger tears in my eyes without any reason. Those times were the ones which brought silence to a chirpy part of me.

Then one day she finally told me that he was crossing his limits by talking about things she was not comfortable with and she was forcing this entire relationship on her because of me. And it was suffocating her. I comforted her and convinced her that it was just a phase and everything would get better and fine.

Then on one of such nights we were just kidding each other when we unknowingly ended up with a question “WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP?” It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. I explained to her my family traditions and she hers. The talk on the topic was stretched for hour and then another. And then she said she needs to hang up for a while and will call me in a minute or two.

I was nearly asleep when she called me up and turned my world upside down by the unimaginably painful words which I never ever wanted to hear “I just called Suraj and I broke up with him and I just wanted to tell you that I love you not him.” I totally blackout and lost my senses. The thing I never wanted to happen even on the cost of my life was her falling for me and to top it off it was Suraj who just lost his love. It was like as if Hades unleashed Kraken to annihilate me from my entire existence.

As if this entire thing was not enough to crush me, she confessed her entire love for me and proposed me.

And then there was silence a grave silence. All that came into my mind was I can’t do this to her but another thought came to me telling me that she needed me and the day when my support and my requirement would be over I will do a crap thing and kick myself out of her life, eventually the latter thought prevailed with such a power and told me that if I said no it would kill her, just to save the moment and her immensely grown emotions say yes and everything will be sorted out later in a perfectly mature way. I didn’t want to say yes and I was strong on my stand.

Then I heard a voice asking me to reply, I said yes!!!

All I Want Is Love (V)

Posted: March 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

(Please read till the last line and now don’t just jump there it will spoil everything, so please be kind to my hard work)

(Chinese product with guarantee)

Sometimes my little brain starts functioning in a terribly stupid ways and I get outstandingly disastrous results but sometimes the results are great, for an instance I am having a “strawberry coffee”. Mother is sacred of me using the LPG burner at night as she thinks that I will forget to turn of the gas and we will be severing roasted humans in the morning newspaper headlines so I had to use that micro-wave thing (I love it, thank god it was invented). The extra strong black coffee with no sugar (a perfect medicine to shoo away the sleep) was rotating in it getting warmed up and some super sexy strawberries where in fridge waiting to travel down belly (not exactly belly m thin these days) so off I went for the knife and sliced them into my coffee and now I am LOVING IT (gawd!!! I am a scientist). Now I am sure a lot of you will try it, so just a warning try at your own risk and don’t curse me later.

Now enough of an opening statement let’s get to business LOL!!! Well just like this extraordinarily delicious result of my impulsive urge to experiment, was a try that I gave to my life when I met this girl “Anaya”. (For the record Anaya if you are reading this then babes I’m sure you will beep beep me when you meet me.)

Engineering was the thing that happened to me and now when I look back all I have in my mind is WTF I am an engineer (joke of century). Since I never had any interest in engineer but had to go to this college because my parents were paying really big to them to carve an engineer out of an ass. And because I was never interested whatever was electricity saying to transformers or whatever was the relationship between magnetic flux and movement of the armature, or to top it off why was there only one step up transformer in the entire power system transmission and distribution circuit, current came from somewhere and left for somewhere else, why in this F*&^ing world I should bother. So I had to find something to amuse myself so I may spend those terrible hours in college.

Here came to my help all the co-curricular societies of my college. Being fully trained in the communication and presentation skills I got through the interview of nearly all of them, may it be SAE (society of automotive engineers) or ISTE (Indian society of technical education) or CC (computer club) or SCIE (student’s chapter of I E, don’t know what that was) but what actually caught me was this club called PFA (Photography and Fine Arts Club) totally annihilated in an rural engineering college (**I hate those jerk rural quota people, we urban students were like outcast for them), so here I came to rescue the club. Asked the teacher to grant me access to everything in club and I would get it on top. Now getting PFA on top became the sole purpose of my college regime.

In beginning we were only 3 guys who started it and within 3 months we were the leading society in our inter college cultural cum technical fest GENESIS. Everywhere in college people could see the name of PFA shining and whole admin, graduate, post graduate blocks were covered by the posters and flexes announcing events by my club and my name shinning at the bottom for all details. We were hilarious so proud and we in fact rocked. I was appointed as the convener of the club and we started with new interviews and I got a bit of nice response and we became a team of about 17 boys and girls. I was the ruthless when it came to work and my mates would call me Hitler at the back and I loved it (Hitler is my personal favorite person from European history only second to Julius Cesar). And just before two days of the showdown I made 36 full A size charts for the club all in 10 hours.

Final day came and it was great we were declared the champions and it was awesome.

It was that me and one of my mates were standing and two girls approached us to enquire about the main PTU fest, one of them was ridiculously dumb couldn’t even speak a word even when I tried to talk to her and the other one was a pathetic loud mouth, babbling bimbo “I have done this, I have done that…blaah blaah blaah” as if I cared. I asked for their numbers and the dumb one gave me hers and the loud mouth gave me her mother (like now I was going to play text messages with her mom!!! And have an extra martial affair). And we asked them to leave. I had no inclination for sending them but one of the events for the fest was the place where we lacked so I had in my mind that the dumb one could be fit for that so I put here there but I knew that she wouldn’t got without that loud-mouth so I filled her in some other crap event (in which she never won till date LOL!!!) and we were all set.

Now I used ORKUT those days and I was just surfing here and there and I saw a profile and I knew that it was that dumb one named Anaya, don’t know what came on my head and I added her. She accepted and we started chatting, soon it was dinner time and I had to call of the chat but since I had her number so I asked if she would like to continue on texts. She took a while and eventually said yes (couldn’t resist me, m so yummy I know, kidding).

Then we started chatting through the night, talking about how was college and normal stuff.  And it happened so that I asked her if she was in any relationship and she told me she was out of one recently (honest kid) and I told her I had one long time back and me being a douche bag just blurted out that m not a virgin!!! Off went a pause of few minutes and the good nights were said.

(** strawberry slice in my coffee yummier, love it)

Within few days me and her connected pretty were and all of a sudden we were chatting all the times even through our lectures and breaks in college and all the time at home even when I was shitting I would chat with her. There was something in this girl that got me and I felt somehow connected to her. I knew that she was very-very hurt and gravely depressed from life and it was not sympathy or any similar emotion that bound me to her but it was that for the first time in my life I felt that I was real with someone and someone was real with me.

We always chatted never met till it was PTU fest and we went to the fest together, we went to Jalandhar together with our other college guys and gals. She was the participant for on the spot painting and I was for the debate and elocution we didn’t talk. She sat with a senior girl and I was standing at the door of the bus (my fav place). But we did exchange few messages. And all during the fest it was good and nice I went to see how she was doing at her event and she was par excellence. Though both of us lost at the inter – university level but we were still happy somehow (but at the previous levels she was declared the best artist of PTU and I the best orator of PTU).

On our way back I was dancing on pathetic Punjabi songs and enjoying myself with one of my mate, god it was so much fun. Sometime both of us became girls using shawls and sometime drunkards using coke bottles and what not. And there this girl was sitting in window all by herself with some tears in her eyes. So I went up to her and asked to join us for the dance and as I knew she turned me down (sobbing). And I was like whatever!!! But after that I couldn’t dance with my heart so I retired myself to sit in the door feeling the breeze smelling petrol and dust and diesel burning in passing vehicles. And we came to college and then respective homes and good nights were texted.

We met personally for the first time few days back in college parking when she was wearing our workshop uniform looking like a total aunty ji. I gave her a chocolate as I promised her once. We talked for a lot of time and it was fun though she spoke very less but it was good. We talked in Hindi as I thought she didn’t knew Punjabi but when her mother called her she spoke pretty nice Punjabi , that was a shock. We talked about college’s eyuckness and shared some jokes. That was our first private meeting.

Few days later on New Year’s she was wished by a guy named Suraj (name changed but it’s a synonym). That person happened to be my classmate and somehow a person whom I treated as my best friend but we were having a terrible fight and were not in talking terms. So a bulb just blazed in my mind “may be this girl can become a link between me and Suraj” so of I went and told her the entire story and asked her if she could help. She agreed to give a shot and with some efforts Suraj and Tanu became good friends. Chat buddies initially and then later they met (he was drunk when he met her). She would tell me about him and I felt happy that he was happy.

She made me see the movie Janne tu ya Janne na, taught me how to drive car, I made here jump out of the window of her class when the class was going on and everyone was shocked that TANU (the cry babe did that). People called her chinki (Chinese) and I loved it. We were on bunks all the time and never got detained because PFA club got us duty leaves LOL (mis-use of authority).

Then came valentine’s and I was the most looked at guy. Now I looked really good in my eyes irrespective of that people didn’t like it. The white glossy shirt and a little blue sparkle tint in my hair. I and Tanu spent entire day sitting in a ground of college and by god we were celebrities. Though we sat there as best buddies talking and joking but people declared us a couple. And every one was looking at us. I was lying with my head on her bag near her lap but it looked as if my head was in her lap. And we were famous. She was too dumb to realize what happened or she was too kind to ignore the people. I would rather go with the later one (she’s dangerously sweet and kind, Mother Teresa).

In some time it was that she was best and only friend of mine and a close friend of Suraj’s. For me Suraj had a great value in my life but for him I was just a competitor whom he had to defeat in every aspect.

My birthday was coming (even now its coming and m waiting desperately) and this fellow from nowhere thought that I will propose Anaya on my birthday so that she couldn’t turn me down. So to confirm that me and Anaya were not seeing each other and his coast was clear he asked he that if me and Anaya were dating and Anaya told him that we were buddies. Then he took his shot and proposed Anaya on 9’ May’ 2009. And Anaya bewildered and shocked called me. And I asked to say that she needs time. So she said it like that.

My birthday came and went was nice she came to wish me and sent me flowers (the ones which are normally sent on someone’s funeral). (** Holy shit I hate this song “tune jo na kha vo main suntan raha” now I’ll have to listen it whole day.)

Now comes here comes the tsunami.

On 21 May 2009 I call Anaya at about 11:30 pm and asked her if she would do something for me. and she said yes!!

Me: ”Anaya I know I am being a jerk but I want you to say yes to Suraj’s proposal”

Tanu: shocked

Me: please say something

Anaya: “are you crazy?”

Me: (crying and crying): “he needs you”

Anaya (crying): “I can’t.”

Eventually after about two hours of me pleading and crying she agreed and said yes to him at 2:40 am of 22 May 2009. And Anaya and Suraj became a couple.

We didn’t talk whole day. I locked myself in my room and cried and cried. Don’t know why but I was hurt and the pain was uncontrollable.

Somehow Suraj’s happiness and his urge to defeat me were more important to me than anything else in this world.

Finally I called her in evening and we couldn’t talk but just cry. And she asked if I could meet her. I knew it would be the last time I am meeting her because Suraj loathed me and disgusted me to his core and fire of his hatred for me was too ferocious for Anaya to extinguish and I didn’t want her to get burnt in it. I knew he would love her and she would eventually forget it.

And for me I knew I wasn’t fit for not only her but any other girl. It wasn’t that I would love her or care for her but I was chucked up in the confusion of my life. And I couldn’t play with a divine girl like her. Gay or straight or bisexual I was not fit for her. (Still I am not).

But in that day of sheer tears and anguish and agony all I realized was that I was in love with her. Don’t know what that love was, as a friend or as something beyond that? But it was love.

And when I met her next to next day I couldn’t see in her eyes and we sat trying not to look into each other’s eyes. I gave her a pink rose (always loved that pink blush on her cheeks so gifted her something which would complement her) and a letter in wish I gave her a million reasons why she shouldn’t be with me.

We sat there for some time and then Suraj called her that he was coming and I knew I had to leave.

I left with tears in my eyes tearing my eyes from her’s and went straight to my college gurudwara and shattered in front of my baba ji.

Sometimes we give up on the one we love for someone we want to see happy.

**I could feel my pain but now I know what pain she went through all that time. I am sorry for what I did to you Anaya please curse me to my grave for this.

My last message to her:

jaane tu mera kya hai, jaane tu mera kya tha, tu hi mera har pal, tu hi har lamha tha;

jaane kaisi kashish hai, jaane kaisi khalish hai, kyun ye saansein thami hain
aankhon mein kyun nami hai;

hai ye dosti humko yaheen tha, dosti aur kuch bhi nahi tha, hai ye kaisa dard nayaa sa
kyun dil lagta toota toota,

jaana, dil jaana, kaise maine na jaana, ke pyaar yahi hai, ye jaane tu, ya jaane na

hoti thi tujhse subha har din ki, teri dopahar se shaam ki dhun thi, hoti thi raatein teri baahon mein khoye
tere khayaalon mein hi jaage aur soye….

tu jo nahi to kya, rahaa

jaane tu mera kya hai, jaane tu mera kya tha, tu hi mera har pal,
tu hi har lamha tha;

jaana, dil jaana, kaise tune na jaana
ye pyaar hi hai;

haan jaane tu, ya jaane .. na
haan jaane tu, ya jaane .. na

(And just so you all know the coffee sucked badly. Don’t try it please. It was dreadful)

All I Want Is Love (IV)

Posted: March 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

“Birth of a Perfect Slut”

There is a quote in Hindi “jab shareef aadmi aapni sharaft chorta hai to vo sab se bda gunda ban ke saamne aata hai”; its English version would be “when a gentleman gives up his decency than a worst bully is emerged out of him”.

Thou, this quote might not fit in my case but still I thought of quoting it…..looked really nice to me.😛

Whenever there is a heart-break in someone’s life then that fellow is exiled to a place unknown to him, a place that lies somewhere deep inside his personality, a place which becomes the grave of his soulful smiles and real joys of his life. Because whenever he tries to smile with his full heart and soul then that scar on his heart aches so severely that the smile on his face turns low and he has to put up a fake one in order to compensate the absence of original one.

I didn’t want to include Manni in this part but eventually he had played a great and a very important role that he can never be missed anywhere.

Time passed and I cleared my +1 grade with barely passing marks (my physics teacher had to give me 4 marks grace to pass me in physics, god bless him). Now came the most critical time of my life when I was going through a colloidal solution of phases of life, career pressure, broken heart, internal anguish of my foolishness, high scores to achieve, maintain the dignity of my extra-ordinarily intelligent family, torments of my fellow schoolmates and to top of everything AM I A GAY??? The question which made the whole of my life look like a hurricane, violent, destructive and unstoppable once it started. No one to talk about my thing, scared to share it with family (still), no actual friends to discuss it, even my books or internet won’t help me in this.

My teacher once said that if you want to find a solution/ answer to any question then start looking in history of it and you will know even beyond your need. So here I started to learn and gain as much knowledge as I could about homosexuality, primary source being internet and secondary being all the biology books in my library and today I know all the answers about it.

My final high school graduation year was so messed up and hectic that I didn’t realize when it started or when it ended. Whole new day was like any other previous day, waking up at 4:30 am, getting dressed up and saying prayer, physics tuition at 5:30 am , school at 7:30 am, back home at 2:30 pm (as I started staying back at school spending time in library and net lab gaining knowledge about homosexuality), chemistry tuition at 3:00 pm, mathematics tuition at 5:00 pm, back home at 7:30 pm, self-study/ homework/ tuition-work/ assignments, dinner at 10:00 pm, revision at 10:30pm off to bed at 12:00.

And as a result of this super monotonous regime of academic struggle I passed my school with 80% in non-medical.

After exams was the time I had with myself to enjoy and prepare for something called an entrance exam for college, since I knew my parents won’t be able to afford any fancy college and won’t allow me staying in hostel so I gave up the idea of AIEEE (All India Engineering Entrance Examination) didn’t think of IIT (Indian Institute of Technology) entrance as I hated that pathetic book worming. So I was all set for a state level exam CET (Common Entrance Exam). I was having the basic knowledge so prepared all the MCQ’s on my own and got a nice rank and then admission in a great college called Guru Nanak Dev Engineering College, a legend for engineering since old times.

Now comes the real part which a lot of people would like to read.

The entrance preparation days from April to May and then counseling days from June till college in August gave me an opportunity to explore the true sex life. May it be with a boy or a girl (I never had coitus with a girl); I thoroughly explore it and learned as much as I could by then. There was this new social networking site which helped me in connecting with people globally “ORKUT” and I had two accounts, one a very decent one and the other totally X rated.

So I used to get linked up with people on my X rated account and add them and then see if we could hook up and have sex. Normally I was rejected because I was a turbaned guy (Wonder why some people think that supporting turban is not a right thing or whatever) I hated being discriminated on the basis of my religion. Some people would eventually abuse me, mock on me, insult me or say some unacceptable words. That did hurt and offend me in beginning but eventually I understood that I had to face them with head on. So I did.

Eventually what happened that my knowledge and chirpy way of talking and sensitivity helped me in connecting with people easily. I would not share my pic with anybody but would just talk with them and connect in a way that everyone would share their every bit of problem with me irrespective that we never met but I made some nice friends online. Occasionally when I knew that I would not be rejected by a fellow on basis of outlook, I would share my pic and get accepted as well as rejected.

It was nice. And helped me grow a lot in the gay world but the main confusion was still ablaze that AM I A GAY???

Eventually someone on ORKUT told me about a website called now known as so that place helped me to hook up I should say.

I was fully exposed to this sex world and was so crazy to have sex with people that I would do anything to get laid. Age, color, social status, place etc. etc. nothing mattered to me. All I wanted was to have sex.

Today when I try to recall then I would be unable to count how many guys I had sex with, I had sex in a park, in bushes by roadside, hotel room, my bedroom, in car, in bus, in train, by canal side, in movie theater, in college hostel, in college wash-room, in gym, in swimming pool, in mall’s wash-room, in try room, in someone’s filthy smelling apartment, coffee shop wash room. With guys ranging from age of 15 years to 75 year old fellow (that well 10 years elder to my dad even), I had sex with my tutor, 4 of my college friends, unknown uncles, unknown people from PR/ Orkut/yahoo messenger, bar tender, owner of a MnC, some nice models (few of them are now in Punjabi cinemas or some music videos), my next door neighbor ( starting from youngest son, then his elder brother and then finally the 73 yr. old father),  bike racer, one of my teachers, one of my students, one of my bosses (as I did few part time jobs to earn my pocket money). And the worst one was with a stage dancer I hated that he was a mess. And yes how can I forget that pizza delivery boy, it was an accident though, I asked him if he could wait in my lobby till I get the change as it was a really hot summer afternoon, and I was in my shorts and had just shaved my legs that very morning just for fun and was in my shorts so it happened (guess he got a nice tip for delivering the pizza and one slice of my favorite pizza too)

This went on for about 3 years. And I realized that I had fucked nearly 75 % of all the gay or bisexual guys in my city, Chandigarh, Jalandhar, Amritsar, few visitors. During this time I had in total of 3 crushes, which crushed me so hard that I became more freaking crazy to get laid.

Somehow the time when I was having sex was the only time in my whole day/life when I wouldn’t think about anything else that would trouble me heart-breaks, backstabs, torments and all the negativity which would land me up in tears. But the moment sex was over that anguish would take over me again and start eating me from within. And I would land up in my bathroom drenched in tears.

Sex became a drug to me, a drug which would relieve me of all pain and miseries of my life. The moment its one doze was over I would start looking for the next doze. Eventually it was like I had become a hunter, hunting for its prey.

All of this went on for a long while till one day someone entered my life. And coming in contact with HER all I realized that I had become a perfect SLUT.

But something in that girl changed everything in me and gave me new direction, a new path and a new destination to reach. And all that killed the slut in me. Sex seeking became meaningless.

A ray of life entered in my life brings smiles, new aims, hopes and honor in my life. A ray named “Anaya”.

(*** It has been3.5 years now that slut is dead and resting in peace. And the last time I had sex was on 5 August’ 2011)

(And just so you all know I never ever had sex with a girl, never, but yes I did fell in love with her and I still do, she’s the best person I have ever known my best and only friend.) 

(to be continued……..)